D.C. Celebrates 12th Homicide-Free Day After Arresting Everyone Who Could Possibly Commit One
WASHINGTON — Officials proudly declared victory in the war on crime this week as the nation’s capital logged its twelfth consecutive homicide-free day — a feat made possible by the city’s innovative new strategy of simply arresting everyone who might even think about breaking the law.
“Public safety has never been higher,” said Police Chief Ronald Grabbins, speaking from the nearly empty streets of downtown, where the only people left are police officers, journalists, and confused tourists. “When you arrest literally every single person, you eliminate all possible suspects. Statistically, it’s flawless policing.”
The crackdown has been hailed by supporters as a groundbreaking approach to law enforcement. “It’s really simple,” said one city council member. “No criminals on the street, no crimes on the street. We may have stumbled upon the cure for crime itself.”
Critics, however, note the program’s downsides. With nearly 700,000 residents currently in custody, basic city services have collapsed. Trash collection is weeks behind, Metro trains are empty, and all 1,000 Starbucks locations in the city are now operated by National Guard volunteers.
Former President Donald Trump, who championed the initiative, praised the results on Truth Social:
“Never been done before, folks! Washington, D.C. is now the safest city in the world. Everybody locked up, everybody happy. I did it, not Sleepy Joe. Tremendous arrests, the best arrests.”
