U.S.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Kamala Harris’ new memoir, 107 Days, is already making waves — mostly because every copy now comes bundled with a plastic decoder ring. Amazon, after attempting to classify the book, ultimately placed it in the “Puzzles & Games” category alongside Rubik’s Cubes and adult coloring books. Publishers
U.S.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a move that combined national security with highway rage, former President Donald Trump announced today that Antifa will officially be designated a terrorist organization, right alongside “people who drive slow in the left lane.” “Antifa? Bad. Very bad. Everybody knows that,” Trump told reporters. “But the
Health
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a stunning health initiative, former and possibly future President Donald Trump has declared war on America’s most beloved headache pill, announcing that Tylenol is “probably worse than China” and must be purged from every household where a woman might be pregnant, thinking about being pregnant,
U.S.
Columbus, Ohio - Neighbors say they weren’t impressed when local man Jared Thompson, 34, dramatically swung a medieval scythe across his front yard grass, filming the entire process for TikTok. “It took him three hours to do what a mower does in twenty minutes,” said one neighbor, rolling her
U.S.
PHILADELPHIA, PA — Pop superstar Taylor Swift was spotted at the Chiefs vs. Eagles game Sunday watching from behind what witnesses described as a “bulletproof barrier”. In preparation for the next game, sources say Swift has hired a blacksmith from rural Missouri to forge her a custom suit of armor. The
U.S.
CHARLOTTE, NC — Court documents show that accused light rail stabber Decarlos Brown Jr. didn’t exactly come out of nowhere. In fact, crime in the Brown household seems to be less of a shock and more of a family business model. * Big brother Stacey: Serving 27–36 years for gunning
U.S.
Local man Bryan Keller announced in a dramatic Facebook post that he was “logging off for good” to reclaim his peace of mind. The post—complete with a blurry sunset photo and the caption “Sometimes you have to lose Wi-Fi to find yourself”—racked up 14 likes and one “so
SCOTLAND — After a 14-year-old girl was arrested for brandishing a knife to scare off a would-be attacker, authorities have clarified that her real crime was “not filing for the proper robotics permit.” “Self-defense is legal,” explained Police Chief Nigel Fotheringay, adjusting his medal-covered uniform. “But only if conducted via state-approved
Federal Reserve Chair Jerome Powell announced Friday that interest rate cuts are officially “on the table” — but only if Wall Street correctly guesses the number he’s thinking of between 1 and 10. “This is how serious monetary policy works,” Powell said, holding up his fingers behind his back. “If
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In the latest move to squeeze the already fragile wallets of grocery shoppers, Kroger unveiled a new “hospitality upgrade” at their self-checkout kiosks: a mandatory tipping screen. Customers who attempt to select “No Tip” are met with a passive-aggressive pop-up reading: “Are you sure you want to be cheap? The
SPRINGFIELD, IL — Local resident and self-described “thought leader” Kyle Henderson updated his résumé last week to include his preferred pronouns, confident this would make him irresistible to potential employers. Unfortunately, hiring managers reported that Henderson’s pronouns weren’t the problem — it was the fact that he spent twenty minutes
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Declaring his commitment to “honesty in government,” Donald Trump announced today that the Internal Revenue Service will officially be renamed the Internal Theft Service. “Look, everybody hates taxes. Everybody knows it’s theft,” Trump said, unveiling a new IRS logo featuring Uncle Sam reaching into a citizen’
NEW YORK — State Assemblyman Zohran Mamdani stunned reporters today by issuing a direct challenge to Donald Trump: settle political differences with a public Beyblade battle. “Talk is cheap. Let it rip,” Mamdani declared, slamming his launcher onto a folding table outside Trump Tower. “If he wins, I’ll endorse him.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Former President Donald Trump proudly declared that the U.S. military had struck a Venezuelan vessel “packed with massive amounts of drugs, the biggest shipment anyone’s ever seen.” The Coast Guard, however, later clarified that the “drug boat” in question was actually a Carnival Cruise ship
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Progressive activists were left stunned and disoriented this week after discovering that their reproductive rights had not, in fact, been stripped away overnight. “I woke up, checked my phone, and realized I could still make my own medical decisions,” said Brooklyn resident Skylar Moon-Fernández, holding a protest
PALM BEACH, FL — Brushing aside concerns about his health, Donald Trump proudly announced today that his blood pressure is “the highest, strongest, and most beautiful blood pressure ever recorded in the history of presidents.” Doctors noted the reading was technically life-threatening, but Trump insisted it was simply “record-setting.” “The fake
SEATTLE, WA — Amazon announced today it is ending the popular Prime perk that allowed members to send free two-day shipping to friends and family. The move, according to sources inside Amazon, was designed to finally stamp out the last vestiges of human affection. “Love is weakness,” Jeff Bezos allegedly muttered
LONDON — Travelers at Heathrow Airport were treated to a dramatic display of British law enforcement this week when five armed police officers successfully detained Irish comedy writer Graham Linehan, whose most dangerous weapon appeared to be an "X" account. Authorities say the arrest was made possible by a
HUNTSVILLE, AL — In a move baffling both military analysts and hash brown enthusiasts, former President Donald Trump announced the official relocation of U.S. Space Command from Colorado to Alabama, unveiling a rocket emblazoned with the Waffle House logo as proof that the future of space exploration lies somewhere between
NEW YORK, NY — Spectators at the U.S. Open were stunned after a Polish CEO was caught on camera executing what analysts are calling “a textbook hostile takeover” of a child’s hat. The cap, originally gifted by a tennis player to a young fan, was swiftly acquired by the
GAZA — Climate activist Greta Thunberg has docked her borrowed luxury superyacht off the Gaza coast, declaring she has come to “shame the militants into going green.” Witnesses say Thunberg stood proudly on the yacht’s marble deck, sipping sparkling water and condemning both sides of the conflict for “choosing fossil