WASHINGTON, D.C. — Declaring his commitment to “honesty in government,” Donald Trump announced today that the Internal Revenue Service will officially be renamed the Internal Theft Service. “Look, everybody hates taxes. Everybody knows it’s theft,” Trump said, unveiling a new IRS logo featuring Uncle Sam reaching into a citizen’
NEW YORK — State Assemblyman Zohran Mamdani stunned reporters today by issuing a direct challenge to Donald Trump: settle political differences with a public Beyblade battle. “Talk is cheap. Let it rip,” Mamdani declared, slamming his launcher onto a folding table outside Trump Tower. “If he wins, I’ll endorse him.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Former President Donald Trump proudly declared that the U.S. military had struck a Venezuelan vessel “packed with massive amounts of drugs, the biggest shipment anyone’s ever seen.” The Coast Guard, however, later clarified that the “drug boat” in question was actually a Carnival Cruise ship
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Progressive activists were left stunned and disoriented this week after discovering that their reproductive rights had not, in fact, been stripped away overnight. “I woke up, checked my phone, and realized I could still make my own medical decisions,” said Brooklyn resident Skylar Moon-Fernández, holding a protest
PALM BEACH, FL — Brushing aside concerns about his health, Donald Trump proudly announced today that his blood pressure is “the highest, strongest, and most beautiful blood pressure ever recorded in the history of presidents.” Doctors noted the reading was technically life-threatening, but Trump insisted it was simply “record-setting.” “The fake
SEATTLE, WA — Amazon announced today it is ending the popular Prime perk that allowed members to send free two-day shipping to friends and family. The move, according to sources inside Amazon, was designed to finally stamp out the last vestiges of human affection. “Love is weakness,” Jeff Bezos allegedly muttered
LONDON — Travelers at Heathrow Airport were treated to a dramatic display of British law enforcement this week when five armed police officers successfully detained Irish comedy writer Graham Linehan, whose most dangerous weapon appeared to be an "X" account. Authorities say the arrest was made possible by a
HUNTSVILLE, AL — In a move baffling both military analysts and hash brown enthusiasts, former President Donald Trump announced the official relocation of U.S. Space Command from Colorado to Alabama, unveiling a rocket emblazoned with the Waffle House logo as proof that the future of space exploration lies somewhere between
NEW YORK, NY — Spectators at the U.S. Open were stunned after a Polish CEO was caught on camera executing what analysts are calling “a textbook hostile takeover” of a child’s hat. The cap, originally gifted by a tennis player to a young fan, was swiftly acquired by the
GAZA — Climate activist Greta Thunberg has docked her borrowed luxury superyacht off the Gaza coast, declaring she has come to “shame the militants into going green.” Witnesses say Thunberg stood proudly on the yacht’s marble deck, sipping sparkling water and condemning both sides of the conflict for “choosing fossil
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a move critics are calling “either diabolical or just lazy,” Donald Trump announced that he has stripped Vice President Kamala Harris of her Secret Service detail and reassigned the job to Earl, a 78-year-old Walmart greeter from Tallahassee who “knows how to keep the riff-raff out.
CHICAGO, IL — In a groundbreaking move to restore order, the National Guard announced today that all drive-bys, shootouts, and gang skirmishes in Chicago will now occur only during designated hours. “From now on, shootouts will be held between 7 p.m. and 9 p.m., Monday through Friday,” explained Major
Politics
KYIV — In a historic twist, former President Donald Trump showed up to Ukraine peace negotiations armed not with diplomats or policy advisors, but with a battered deck of UNO cards, announcing that whoever wins “best of seven” will get Crimea. “UNO is a tremendous game, maybe the best game,” Trump
Food
Patrons at La Fiesta Tex-Mex reported mild embarrassment this week after local man Brad Jenkins unsheathed a bottle of his “signature” hot sauce at the dinner table, explaining that restaurant salsa just “doesn’t hit like his.” Witnesses confirmed Jenkins used the phrase “I put this stuff on everything” no
Health
In a bold financial move, local woman Amanda Peters purchased a limited-edition Stanley Cup for $80, explaining that this would finally motivate her to drink water — unlike the countless free bottles, tumblers, and coffee mugs already rotting in her kitchen cabinet. “I just couldn’t hydrate with those,” Peters said,
World
SCOTLAND — After a 14-year-old girl was arrested for brandishing a knife to scare off a would-be attacker, authorities have clarified that her real crime was “not filing for the proper robotics permit.” “Self-defense is legal,” explained Police Chief Nigel Fotheringay, adjusting his medal-covered uniform. “But only if conducted via state-approved
U.S.
SACRAMENTO, CA — The California Department of Motor Vehicles announced Tuesday it had issued a full commercial driver’s license to 8-year-old Brayden Martinez, citing his “verbal commitment” to use his blinker “at least most of the time.” “Brayden assured us he’d only drive semi-trucks during recess,” said DMV director
U.S.
LEBANON, TN — In what experts are calling “the quickest corporate U-turn since New Coke,” Cracker Barrel has officially dragged Grandpa back onto the porch, reinstating its old logo after a nationwide wedgie from the internet — and one very loud Trump. The reversal came less than 24 hours after the chain
Politics
In a move described by insiders as both “bold” and “breadstick-fueled,” Former Vice President Kamala Harris and the Democratic National Committee have finalized a handshake agreement to cover a staggering $20.5 million in outstanding debts. The bills, sources confirm, are not campaign expenses in the traditional sense but rather
U.S.
BROOKLYN, NY — State Assemblyman Zohran Mamdani (D-Queens) is facing his toughest opponent yet: the barbell. At a community event billed as “Politics Meets Powerlifting,” Mamdani attempted to bench press a modest load in front of constituents. Unfortunately, gravity—a staunchly bipartisan force—had other plans. Eyewitnesses say Mamdani lowered the
U.S.
WASHINGTON — Officials proudly declared victory in the war on crime this week as the nation’s capital logged its twelfth consecutive homicide-free day — a feat made possible by the city’s innovative new strategy of simply arresting everyone who might even think about breaking the law. “Public safety has never
Finance
Federal Reserve Chair Jerome Powell announced Friday that interest rate cuts are officially “on the table” — but only if Wall Street correctly guesses the number he’s thinking of between 1 and 10. “This is how serious monetary policy works,” Powell said, holding up his fingers behind his back. “If