National Guard Brings Peace To Chicago By Restricting Shootouts To Scheduled Times
CHICAGO, IL — In a groundbreaking move to restore order, the National Guard announced today that all drive-bys, shootouts, and gang skirmishes in Chicago will now occur only during designated hours.
“From now on, shootouts will be held between 7 p.m. and 9 p.m., Monday through Friday,” explained Major General Paul Whitaker at a press conference flanked by Humvees. “This ensures children can still walk to school safely in the morning, and everyone can plan their weekend BBQs without unexpected interruptions.”
Residents have already praised the system. “It’s so much easier to plan dinner knowing stray bullets won’t fly until after dessert,” said local mother Angela Ramirez, who has begun penciling “shootout window” into her family calendar.
According to city officials, crime statistics have plummeted since the scheduling began, as police can now simply clock in during “gunfight hours” and clock out right after. “It’s about efficiency,” said Mayor Brandon Johnson. “Finally, chaos is being democratized.”
At press time, the National Guard confirmed that Saturday nights will feature a special “extended shootout session” sponsored by Coors Light.
