Suburban Man Brings Own Hot Sauce To Restaurant, Now Recognized As Part Of His Personality

Patrons at La Fiesta Tex-Mex reported mild embarrassment this week after local man Brad Jenkins unsheathed a bottle of his “signature” hot sauce at the dinner table, explaining that restaurant salsa just “doesn’t hit like his.”

Witnesses confirmed Jenkins used the phrase “I put this stuff on everything” no fewer than five times before the appetizers even arrived. His family later admitted they had not seen his natural face in years, as it is now permanently puckered in a chili-induced squint.