Health

Trump Links Autism to Tylenol - Orders Nationwide Cabinet Raids

Leonard Cluckens

23 Sep 2025 — 1 min read

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a stunning health initiative, former and possibly future President Donald Trump has declared war on America’s most beloved headache pill, announcing that Tylenol is “probably worse than China” and must be purged from every household where a woman might be pregnant, thinking about being pregnant, or simply owns decorative throw pillows.

“I’ve seen the studies. They’re tremendous, very big studies,” Trump said while holding up a jumbo Costco bottle of Extra Strength like it was Hillary Clinton’s emails. “Doctors don’t want you to know this, but Tylenol is giving babies autism. Not me saying it—science saying it. Very powerful science.”

The administration is already planning bold enforcement:

Operation Pain-Free America will deploy SWAT teams to raid suburban medicine cabinets, seizing Tylenol and replacing it with copies of The Art of the Deal.
Expectant mothers will be issued “Trump-branded ice packs” as their only approved pain relief. (RFK Jr. is reportedly designing a version that glows when near acetaminophen.)
Pharmacists will soon have to ask, “Are you now, or have you ever been, pregnant?” before selling Tylenol, just in case.

Kamala Harris’ Book Comes With Decoder Ring, Amazon Lists It Under Puzzles & Games

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Kamala Harris’ new memoir, 107 Days, is already making waves — mostly because every copy now comes bundled with a plastic decoder ring. Amazon, after attempting to classify the book, ultimately placed it in the “Puzzles & Games” category alongside Rubik’s Cubes and adult coloring books. Publishers

Trump Designates Antifa as Terror Group, Alongside “People Who Drive Slow in the Left Lane”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a move that combined national security with highway rage, former President Donald Trump announced today that Antifa will officially be designated a terrorist organization, right alongside “people who drive slow in the left lane.” “Antifa? Bad. Very bad. Everybody knows that,” Trump told reporters. “But the

Man Cuts Lawn With Scythe and Videos It for Attention

Columbus, Ohio - Neighbors say they weren’t impressed when local man Jared Thompson, 34, dramatically swung a medieval scythe across his front yard grass, filming the entire process for TikTok. “It took him three hours to do what a mower does in twenty minutes,” said one neighbor, rolling her

Taylor Swift Watches Chiefs vs. Eagles Behind Bulletproof Barrier, Hires Blacksmith to Forge Armor for Next Game

PHILADELPHIA, PA — Pop superstar Taylor Swift was spotted at the Chiefs vs. Eagles game Sunday watching from behind what witnesses described as a “bulletproof barrier”. In preparation for the next game, sources say Swift has hired a blacksmith from rural Missouri to forge her a custom suit of armor. The

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Kamala Harris’ Book Comes With Decoder Ring, Amazon Lists It Under Puzzles & Games

Trump Designates Antifa as Terror Group, Alongside “People Who Drive Slow in the Left Lane”

Man Cuts Lawn With Scythe and Videos It for Attention

Taylor Swift Watches Chiefs vs. Eagles Behind Bulletproof Barrier, Hires Blacksmith to Forge Armor for Next Game