U.S.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Progressive activists were left stunned and disoriented this week after discovering that their reproductive rights had not, in fact, been stripped away overnight. “I woke up, checked my phone, and realized I could still make my own medical decisions,” said Brooklyn resident Skylar Moon-Fernández, holding a protest
U.S.
PALM BEACH, FL — Brushing aside concerns about his health, Donald Trump proudly announced today that his blood pressure is “the highest, strongest, and most beautiful blood pressure ever recorded in the history of presidents.” Doctors noted the reading was technically life-threatening, but Trump insisted it was simply “record-setting.” “The fake
U.S.
SEATTLE, WA — Amazon announced today it is ending the popular Prime perk that allowed members to send free two-day shipping to friends and family. The move, according to sources inside Amazon, was designed to finally stamp out the last vestiges of human affection. “Love is weakness,” Jeff Bezos allegedly muttered
World
LONDON — Travelers at Heathrow Airport were treated to a dramatic display of British law enforcement this week when five armed police officers successfully detained Irish comedy writer Graham Linehan, whose most dangerous weapon appeared to be an "X" account. Authorities say the arrest was made possible by a
U.S.
HUNTSVILLE, AL — In a move baffling both military analysts and hash brown enthusiasts, former President Donald Trump announced the official relocation of U.S. Space Command from Colorado to Alabama, unveiling a rocket emblazoned with the Waffle House logo as proof that the future of space exploration lies somewhere between
NEW YORK, NY — Spectators at the U.S. Open were stunned after a Polish CEO was caught on camera executing what analysts are calling “a textbook hostile takeover” of a child’s hat. The cap, originally gifted by a tennis player to a young fan, was swiftly acquired by the
World
GAZA — Climate activist Greta Thunberg has docked her borrowed luxury superyacht off the Gaza coast, declaring she has come to “shame the militants into going green.” Witnesses say Thunberg stood proudly on the yacht’s marble deck, sipping sparkling water and condemning both sides of the conflict for “choosing fossil
U.S.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a move critics are calling “either diabolical or just lazy,” Donald Trump announced that he has stripped Vice President Kamala Harris of her Secret Service detail and reassigned the job to Earl, a 78-year-old Walmart greeter from Tallahassee who “knows how to keep the riff-raff out.
U.S.
CHICAGO, IL — In a groundbreaking move to restore order, the National Guard announced today that all drive-bys, shootouts, and gang skirmishes in Chicago will now occur only during designated hours. “From now on, shootouts will be held between 7 p.m. and 9 p.m., Monday through Friday,” explained Major
Politics
KYIV — In a historic twist, former President Donald Trump showed up to Ukraine peace negotiations armed not with diplomats or policy advisors, but with a battered deck of UNO cards, announcing that whoever wins “best of seven” will get Crimea. “UNO is a tremendous game, maybe the best game,” Trump
Food
Patrons at La Fiesta Tex-Mex reported mild embarrassment this week after local man Brad Jenkins unsheathed a bottle of his “signature” hot sauce at the dinner table, explaining that restaurant salsa just “doesn’t hit like his.” Witnesses confirmed Jenkins used the phrase “I put this stuff on everything” no
Health
In a bold financial move, local woman Amanda Peters purchased a limited-edition Stanley Cup for $80, explaining that this would finally motivate her to drink water — unlike the countless free bottles, tumblers, and coffee mugs already rotting in her kitchen cabinet. “I just couldn’t hydrate with those,” Peters said,