Politics
KYIV — In a historic twist, former President Donald Trump showed up to Ukraine peace negotiations armed not with diplomats or policy advisors, but with a battered deck of UNO cards, announcing that whoever wins “best of seven” will get Crimea. “UNO is a tremendous game, maybe the best game,” Trump
Food
Patrons at La Fiesta Tex-Mex reported mild embarrassment this week after local man Brad Jenkins unsheathed a bottle of his “signature” hot sauce at the dinner table, explaining that restaurant salsa just “doesn’t hit like his.” Witnesses confirmed Jenkins used the phrase “I put this stuff on everything” no
Health
In a bold financial move, local woman Amanda Peters purchased a limited-edition Stanley Cup for $80, explaining that this would finally motivate her to drink water — unlike the countless free bottles, tumblers, and coffee mugs already rotting in her kitchen cabinet. “I just couldn’t hydrate with those,” Peters said,
World
SCOTLAND — After a 14-year-old girl was arrested for brandishing a knife to scare off a would-be attacker, authorities have clarified that her real crime was “not filing for the proper robotics permit.” “Self-defense is legal,” explained Police Chief Nigel Fotheringay, adjusting his medal-covered uniform. “But only if conducted via state-approved
U.S.
SACRAMENTO, CA — The California Department of Motor Vehicles announced Tuesday it had issued a full commercial driver’s license to 8-year-old Brayden Martinez, citing his “verbal commitment” to use his blinker “at least most of the time.” “Brayden assured us he’d only drive semi-trucks during recess,” said DMV director
U.S.
LEBANON, TN — In what experts are calling “the quickest corporate U-turn since New Coke,” Cracker Barrel has officially dragged Grandpa back onto the porch, reinstating its old logo after a nationwide wedgie from the internet — and one very loud Trump. The reversal came less than 24 hours after the chain
Politics
In a move described by insiders as both “bold” and “breadstick-fueled,” Former Vice President Kamala Harris and the Democratic National Committee have finalized a handshake agreement to cover a staggering $20.5 million in outstanding debts. The bills, sources confirm, are not campaign expenses in the traditional sense but rather
U.S.
BROOKLYN, NY — State Assemblyman Zohran Mamdani (D-Queens) is facing his toughest opponent yet: the barbell. At a community event billed as “Politics Meets Powerlifting,” Mamdani attempted to bench press a modest load in front of constituents. Unfortunately, gravity—a staunchly bipartisan force—had other plans. Eyewitnesses say Mamdani lowered the
U.S.
WASHINGTON — Officials proudly declared victory in the war on crime this week as the nation’s capital logged its twelfth consecutive homicide-free day — a feat made possible by the city’s innovative new strategy of simply arresting everyone who might even think about breaking the law. “Public safety has never
Finance
Federal Reserve Chair Jerome Powell announced Friday that interest rate cuts are officially “on the table” — but only if Wall Street correctly guesses the number he’s thinking of between 1 and 10. “This is how serious monetary policy works,” Powell said, holding up his fingers behind his back. “If