U.S.
PALM BEACH, FL — Brushing aside concerns about his health, Donald Trump proudly announced today that his blood pressure is “the highest, strongest, and most beautiful blood pressure ever recorded in the history of presidents.” Doctors noted the reading was technically life-threatening, but Trump insisted it was simply “record-setting.” “The fake
U.S.
SEATTLE, WA — Amazon announced today it is ending the popular Prime perk that allowed members to send free two-day shipping to friends and family. The move, according to sources inside Amazon, was designed to finally stamp out the last vestiges of human affection. “Love is weakness,” Jeff Bezos allegedly muttered
U.S.
HUNTSVILLE, AL — In a move baffling both military analysts and hash brown enthusiasts, former President Donald Trump announced the official relocation of U.S. Space Command from Colorado to Alabama, unveiling a rocket emblazoned with the Waffle House logo as proof that the future of space exploration lies somewhere between
U.S.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a move critics are calling “either diabolical or just lazy,” Donald Trump announced that he has stripped Vice President Kamala Harris of her Secret Service detail and reassigned the job to Earl, a 78-year-old Walmart greeter from Tallahassee who “knows how to keep the riff-raff out.
U.S.
CHICAGO, IL — In a groundbreaking move to restore order, the National Guard announced today that all drive-bys, shootouts, and gang skirmishes in Chicago will now occur only during designated hours. “From now on, shootouts will be held between 7 p.m. and 9 p.m., Monday through Friday,” explained Major
U.S.
SACRAMENTO, CA — The California Department of Motor Vehicles announced Tuesday it had issued a full commercial driver’s license to 8-year-old Brayden Martinez, citing his “verbal commitment” to use his blinker “at least most of the time.” “Brayden assured us he’d only drive semi-trucks during recess,” said DMV director
U.S.
LEBANON, TN — In what experts are calling “the quickest corporate U-turn since New Coke,” Cracker Barrel has officially dragged Grandpa back onto the porch, reinstating its old logo after a nationwide wedgie from the internet — and one very loud Trump. The reversal came less than 24 hours after the chain
Politics
In a move described by insiders as both “bold” and “breadstick-fueled,” Former Vice President Kamala Harris and the Democratic National Committee have finalized a handshake agreement to cover a staggering $20.5 million in outstanding debts. The bills, sources confirm, are not campaign expenses in the traditional sense but rather
U.S.
BROOKLYN, NY — State Assemblyman Zohran Mamdani (D-Queens) is facing his toughest opponent yet: the barbell. At a community event billed as “Politics Meets Powerlifting,” Mamdani attempted to bench press a modest load in front of constituents. Unfortunately, gravity—a staunchly bipartisan force—had other plans. Eyewitnesses say Mamdani lowered the
U.S.
WASHINGTON — Officials proudly declared victory in the war on crime this week as the nation’s capital logged its twelfth consecutive homicide-free day — a feat made possible by the city’s innovative new strategy of simply arresting everyone who might even think about breaking the law. “Public safety has never